Bumper Stickers

I have bumper stickers on my car.

I can see your cringing from here.  Unless you are like me, one of the be-stickered.

My bumper stickers both relate to running – one is for the Hash House Harriers, a foot outline with “On-On” written in it.  Someone once told me that I put my “No-No” sticker on upside down.  Now I assume that anyone behind me believes that a) I have an affinity for stickers that look like feet telling a toddler not to wipe mashed potatoes on the dog, and that b) I cannot install said stickers upright.


The other bumper sticker is the OBX marathon bumper sticker – I like it because I’ve run the marathon every year, since its inception.  It falls under the “My Kid is an Honor Student” bumper sticker category.  Hey, person behind me, it may look like I don’t know how to stay in my lane, or go the speed limit, and yes, I probably should check to see if my car is burning oil.  But, look, I did something good!  I ran a lot!  And/or my kid got mostly A’s and B’s!

Listen, that's a lot of miles, driver behind me. A lot!

So I have bumper stickers that fall under the informative, and/or confusing categories.  But there is another category of bumper stickers, one that is far more prevalent.  In my unscientific study (I thought back to my drive earlier today), I would estimate that 50% of bumper stickers fall into the “let’s try to piss off the guy behind me” category.

I doubt that my stickers have ever pissed anyone off.  Maybe someone who is jealous of my awesome running ability.  Or maybe an ultra-marathoning purist, who laughs at anyone who would run only 26.2 miles and dare to put a sticker on their car bragging about it.  Ultra-marathoners run 26.2 miles between Gatorade stops.*

However, there are “those” stickers.  You know the ones.  Nobama!


I don’t see the point of these.  The very best response you can get from them is the person behind you saying “You’re damn right!”  But these people already agree with you.  I don’t think anyone has ever had their opinion changed via cogent bumper-sticker argument.

UNLESS, that is, I implement my GENIUS (patent-not-pending) ideas, as outlined below.

    1. Acquire and affix bumper stickers of those ideas that I hate.
    2. Drive like an asshole.
    3. Slowly associate the ideas that I hate with bad driving in the minds of the people behind me.
    4. OR
      1. Acquire and affix bumper stickers of those ideas that I hate.
      2. EXCEPT not on MY car.  On OTHER people’s cars.

Nothing like a couple of minutes of scraping off a bumper sticker to fix an idea in someone’s mind… as something they, too, hate.

*I admit that sometimes I get mock-pissed off about 13.1 stickers.  “Why would anyone brag about completing HALF a race?” I say, my neck veins mock-bulging, my knuckles mock-whitening as I mock-rage-grip the wheel.  Then I mock-mutter under my breath for twenty minutes


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